Things just don’t feel right

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Things just don’t feel right for me if:
  • The sun is in my eyes
  • My fingernails are too long
  • It’s too warm or too cold
  • The tightness of my shoes is uneven
  • There’s an idling truck, a leaf blower, or some other unnecessary droning
  • My clothes are too tight, especially collar or sleeve cuffs
  • My fingers are sticky
  • My shoes squeak or stick to the floor
  • Something is scratchy in my clothing, like a tag, but sometimes an invisible thorn that disappears as soon as I search for it
  • My mustache gets too long and touches the sensitive skin on my lips
  • There’s a faucet dripping or a clock ticking, anywhere
  • Certain smells, like nail polish or fabric softener, or any odor that isn’t my food when I’m eating
At some point in my elementary school years we were given a Greek legend to read. In this tale, a Spartan boy stole a fox cub. To avoid being caught, he hid the fox under his tunic. He was spotted by guards (or some such authority) who stopped him for questioning. Rather than bring shame upon himself by admitting the theft, the boy kept still and silent, even as the fox tried to get free by gnawing and scratching at his abdomen. The boy bore the pain and injury without flinching, and later died from his wounds.

What was a boy growing up in the 1980s to make of this gruesome story? Clearly the appearance of calm and control was more important than anything I was feeling inside. This was an early lesson in masking — I learned to ignore, hide, disregard and mistrust my own internal signals. But my sensory sensitivities, ignored or not, took a toll on my concentration, adding cognitive load as my brain was still processing them.

What would have happened if the boy let the fox escape? Is our society today more tolerant than the story’s depiction of ancient Greece? After many years, I am now challenging myself to slowly unmask. And it is taking a lot of work to unlearn the reflex to suppress my own discomfort.

What are your sensory sensitivities? What would unmasking look like for you?

Thanks for being here. You matter.

Create a Life You Choose, Not the One That Chooses You

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